Untitled, because I can't think of titles
(I don't know about this one-- obviously I wrote it about a friend. I might just end up tossing this one out.)I watched her standing in the grimy snowalong the road. The ice was thawing; dirtand salt...
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The switch from "her" in the first 12 lines to "you" in the couplet - perhaps it was intended, but it doesn't feel right to me.(And on another note: it's important to be an anchor that holds a friend...
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Agreed. Keep it "her" at the end. I would also work on L13--I think it's unnecessary to reiterate so much of the first line, unless you really want that for effect. Strengthen the image there and...
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Line 8 would sound better to me with an "and" in front of it:and she is lost she's lost her lovely way.And "but" in this linea piece of art, so pure, but spoiled by justAlthough the switch between...
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Hello Don,Thanks for your feedback, I meant to do the switch to you, but it seems like most people don't like it. I'll have to think over it, I suppose.Hello gibbaxter,Thanks for all the criticism....
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Sam,I think the theme of your poem is worth keeping. Let me nit-pick your poem:I can imagine dirt-stained boots. Not sure how much staining the salt would cause. I don't see how you can just use a...
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Hello February,I live in Michigan, and my school is trigger-happy with getting the salt out. My boots and pant legs sometimes get white stains on them. Noted on the commas. I think I get a little...
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"Weave with waste" needs to go. Think of a synonym for waste so you won't be so married by alliteration to weave.Owl
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February: Quote:In L8 - do you mean she has lost her loveliness? Or just lost her way?Having lived with a dancer (my daughter) for years, I can answer this one. People who are dancing, typically, at...
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Hmm-- how about something along the lines of"mix with mire," or maybe more simply "mix with mud."Hmmm.
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I wasn't as bothered by "weaves with waste," but "mixed with mire" might be the smoother course. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~il faut etre absolument anciens
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